I was definitely ghosted.
On a random weekend night this summer I decided that I wanted to make homemade shrimp fettuccini with a wine based cream sauce (fancy…I know) from scratch. Luckily for me, my local grocery story is conveniently located across the street from my apartment. On my way back with groceries in hand, I came across this group of guys on their way to pre-game at the local bar around the corner. This moment was the beginning of BS. Let it be noted that I wasn’t a full-fledged member of the ‘he-man haters’ club but I also wasn’t pressed about dating either. I was indifferent about my singleness. However, never did I think that I would fall victim to this dumba** dating trend appropriately named ‘ghosting’. Yet, here I am sharing my experience with it and what I did to get over it; things that I feel could help soothe some of the sting from any type of heartbreak.
“What you cookin’ for me tonight?”, was his friends lame and failure of an attempt to talk to me. I gave my usual courtesy smile/giggle combo, rolled my eyes once my face was out of eyesight, and kept walking. I really wanted to get back to my apartment and cook. Plus, I was looking super raggedy, so I also wanted to get out of the sight of other humans as quickly as possible. Then, the ghoster shot his shot and asked me my name. Bold. I’m intrigued now. He followed my response with, “Hi, I’m your husband.” Remember, I said that I was indifferent about my singleness, so I wasn’t looking for anything, but his response caught me off guard as I have never been hit with that line before. It completely threw me off. Game. He offered his card, and told me to reach out. I did.
Things were going GREAT (or so I thought). Early morning texts and calls, FaceTiming, and spending a lot of time together. I felt comfortable with him. He made me feel beautiful. I felt really good about this one and thought that this was the guy I needed to be with. So good that I invited him into my space.This was a huge deal for me as I am very very protective of my space and energy. I even cooked for him. Not no spaghetti, Rotel, freezer bag meal; no this was a planned-out meal that consisted of mashed potatoes from scratch, 1” think cut steak from the butcher seared to perfection on the outside and cooked medium on the inside, broccoli, and dessert from A1 meal. I planned this meal and put my heart and soul into it. I really wanted to impress this guy. Again, everything seemed like it was going great.
Then, all of a sudden everything changed. With no warning and sudden abruptness, communication dwindled significantly. Time was no longer being spent together and BS excuses became the new normal. One of his colorful excuses for not being around was due to being in Panama City, FL. Did Panama City all of a sudden become the Bermuda Triangle of communication and human decency?
However, like an adult I tried to communicate and find out what was going on to no avail. After sending him a long rant text about how big of an a-hole he was (with no response of course), I realized that I had to cut my losses and let it go. I had to accept the fact that I had been played. GHOSTED. Now, with all of the little feelings that I had hurt, I had to transition to working on getting over it. Here are some of the things I did that helped me get back to being me. These things are easier said than done, but with time and consistency, I guarantee it will help you get through this.
I removed all ways that I would be tempted to use to contact him.
Sis, I unfollowed, blocked, deleted contact info…I GOT RID OF ALL OF IT! The pain, rejection, and confusion could be a catalyst to say or do something that is not of your true nature. Something that you may regret down the line. Never let someone else’s bad actions change your character. After I sent my last text pretty much telling him about himself, I left it at that. Why even give that person the time of day?
I took charge of my physical.
As petty as it sounds, the best way to get back at someone who did you wrong in a relationship is to ‘glow-up’. Make a bold statement with the ultimate REVENGE BODY. Show them that your confidence can’t be broken and that you cannot be destroyed. Also, it is a more positive way to release aggression, clear your mind, boost your energy, elevate your mood, and reset your focus back to what’s important.
I worked on my mental.
Honestly, this one was the one that took the most time and was the most challenging. At first, I tried to pretend like the whole situation didn’t affect me. I was suppressing my feelings, but eventually it all came out. More specifically, it all came out over a number of gut spilling, emotionally charged phone calls to my sister. Essentially, my sister really a huge part in getting through it all, so I encourage you to find that person who can be your stronghold. Over time, the phone calls weren’t as emotionally weighted and heavily filled with him as the topic; things started to get back to normal. It’s ok to admit that you’ve been hurt and to talk about it. You should talk about it. Also, I turned heavily to the scripture, prayer, and writing to help de-clutter my mind. Additionally, I returned back to affirmations. The Law of Attraction is real. When you start to truly believe in those affirmations for yourself and show confidence, the world notices and good things happen.
I did not hop right into another situation with someone else.
There’s a saying, “The best way to get over a guy (girl) is to get under new guy (girl).” NOT! Personally, I feel that this is a dumb and dangerous coping mechanism. It’s putting a temporary Band-Aid on what you’re actually feeling. It feels good in the moment, but once it’s all said and done, you’re still left with hurt and anger. You still have to face those feelings. Also, if this new person really likes you (even if they don’t), do you think that it’s fair to drag them and their feelings into the current situation? Probably not. Just give it some time.
Unfortunately, heartbreak is one of those icky things that everyone will experience. Maybe at different ages, life stages, or with different relationships, but it will happen. In the situation of ghosting, it’s easy to get caught up in the why it happened. Honestly, there’s no one reason that can explain and give you the answer to that why if the guy hasn’t told you himself (trust me I googled it in my need to find an answer). However, I have to tell you that the answer to that why 99.9% of the time is not you or something you did. Don’t let it shake you. You are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139:14). A person will come along who recognizes that and will do whatever it takes to behold something so wonderful, but the first person that needs to understand that is you. Remember, challenges are meant to make us better, not bitter.
Have you ever been ghosted? How did you deal with it?